Finding Mother Read online

  ***

  Hélène parked her car at The Auberge, deliberately arriving ten minutes late. Usually a very punctual person, she didn’t want to look too keen and be the first one there. She glanced briefly at the view, noting how clear the islands of Herm and Sark were today. It all looked so serene and she wished she felt the same. As she turned and walked towards the terrace she spotted Adrian, standing up and waving. Taking a deep, calming breath she joined him at the table laid for two.

  ‘Hélène! I was worried you weren’t coming, that you’d changed your mind. I’m so glad to see you. And you haven’t changed a bit!’ He smiled tentatively, leaning forward to brush her cheek.

  Sitting down, she studied him. His face showed signs of tension, his eyes wary and his lips tightly compressed. But physically he looked in good shape. ‘You look well, Adrian. Grey hair suits you, makes you look distinguished.’ She meant it. But she still wished she didn’t have to be here with him.

  ‘Thank you. Would…would you like a drink before we order? How about a bottle of Pinot Grigio, that was your favourite, wasn’t it?’

  Mm, he’d remembered… ‘Yes, thank you.’

  As they waited for the wine they made a point of studying their menus. Hélène saw him shifting in his chair.

  The waitress brought the chilled wine and Adrian asked Hélène to taste it.

  ‘Santé!’ Adrian raised his glass.

  ‘Santé!

  They touched glasses before sipping the golden wine. As it coursed through her, Hélène felt the knots in her stomach easing. Peering at Adrian over the rim of her glass, she noted that his mouth had softened a little. With a slight shock she realised she hadn’t eaten out with a man for years; not since that pompous and boring accountant who droned on about how successful he was. And now here she was, being wined and dined by Adrian, a luxury denied her during their relationship as they had to be circumspect. Her mouth twisted at the memory of those furtive, illicit meetings and the pain they’d brought…

  Dragging herself back she focused once more on the menu. The choice looked wonderful and in the end she chose scallops to start, followed by monkfish. Might as well enjoy the food at least.

  ‘I’ve chosen. How about you?’

  ‘Mm, think I’ll start with the crab cake and then have the plaice.’

  Adrian gave the hovering waitress the order before facing her. She saw his eye twitch. Mm, he’s not as sure of himself as he used to be, is he? And he a headmaster!

  ‘Hélène, you can’t know how pleased I am to see you again. I realise it’s all my fault, should have been in touch years ago. I…I took the coward’s way out. But I want you to know how much I’ve regretted what I did.’

  She noticed the genuine sadness in his eyes but steeled herself to remain quiet.

  ‘Meeting Nicole, that lovely young woman we created, has made me realise not only what a fool I’ve been but what you must have gone through over the years.’ He paused, taking a sip of wine before asking, ‘Do you think you could ever forgive me?’

  Hélène sipped her wine while she let his words sink in. At last! He’s said he’s sorry. She met his gaze, saw the pleading in his eyes and was just about to reply when the waitress bustled up with their starters.

  Once she’d left, Adrian’s question still hung heavy in the air between them.

  ‘I…I don’t know. Your…selfishness cost me my…my baby. My only child. You don’t recover from such a loss over a plate of scallops!’ She was surprised at her own vehemence and saw Adrian wince and pull back. Tears pricked behind her eyes and she reached for a tissue, determined not to break down in front of him. Not easy.

  Adrian, his face contorted with what looked to her like guilt, said, ‘You’re right. Absolutely right. I can’t expect you to forgive me. Not after what I put you through. I’ve no excuse, no redeeming reason for not sticking by you. I was a bloody idiot and I could only wish I could turn the clock back. But I can’t.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘I can only say sorry for the pain I’ve caused you.’

  Hélène toyed with a scallop.

  ‘So why didn’t you get in touch after…after Carol died?’

  ‘Because you said you never wanted to see me again when you told me about the baby. I thought you’d move on, meet someone and…and marry.’ He took a gulp of wine. ‘I’d convinced myself that you were happy with another man and that the last person you’d want to hear from was me.’

  ‘You could have tried to find out if you were right!’ She felt the anger welling up again and fought hard to push it down. No way did she want to be the focus of a scene in full glare of the other diners. Coming here was a mistake…She started to stand but Adrian reached over and grabbed her arm.

  ‘Please, Hélène, don’t go! After all this time apart, can’t we try and salvage what we had? That wonderful love we shared that made us laugh till we cried. The times when we lost track of time as we talked and talked. And made love.’ His voice dropped to a croaked whisper; he still clung onto her arm.

  She felt as if her heart and mind had been hijacked. Images of the treasured past filled her head and she too wished that the clock could be turned back. If only…

  ‘Just…just give me a minute to go to the Ladies. I’ll come back, I promise.’

  She left him looking as if he didn’t believe her, but she wouldn’t walk away. Not yet.

  Re-emerging a few minutes later, her make-up repaired, she walked briskly to their table and sat down.

  He looked at her with such sorrow and guilt in his eyes that Hélène felt her heart soften. Just a little. In spite of all the pain this man had caused her, she felt the stirrings of that old love flicker into life within her being. The love that had given her a beautiful daughter, who she was determined not to lose again.

  ‘I…I’ll try to forgive you, Adrian. I can’t promise anything, but I don’t want us to be enemies, for Nicole’s sake. She deserves better of us than that.’

  His eyes lit up and he reached across and clasped her hand.

  ‘Thank you, I know how difficult this must be for you and I’m truly grateful.’ He shifted in his chair. ‘If…if you were happy to, sometime in the future maybe, I’d be honoured to be your friend. To go out for a drink or a walk perhaps.’

  She had to think. Did she want them to be friends again? Could she consider spending time with him, trust him not to hurt her again?

  ‘I…I’ll see. Give me time, Adrian. It’s been – ’

  ‘I understand. Of course, take as long as you like. I can wait.’ He smiled at her, somewhat tentative still, she thought. He’s not sure what I want yet and nor am I. It takes time to heal the pain of thirty-five years of loneliness.

  chapter 20

  Eve sat with Nicole on the terrace finishing their lunch, as for some unfathomable reason, her mind insisted on replaying a long-ago memory which even now caused her pain. And guilt. She noticed that Nicole also looked distracted.

  After Nicole had cleared away their plates she asked, ‘Grandmother, are you up to telling me more of your time as a Land Girl? It sounds such a great story.’

  ‘Yes, of course, dear.’ Sighing inwardly, she replaced the memory in the sealed envelope deep inside her. ‘Looking back, it was one of the happiest times of my life. I’d led a sheltered existence in Guernsey before the war and never expected to even visit England let alone live there for five years.’ She paused, taking a sip of water. ‘In spite of the hard work we had fun. Local dances took place in the village hall and the more mobile wounded soldiers used to join us, so we had plenty of partners. We were well chaperoned, but it didn’t stop several of the girls from finding boyfriends. There were quite a few of us working on the local farms and we enjoyed the chance to put on our dresses and be swirled around the dance floor by dashing young men in uniform.’ It was especially enjoyable if you happened to be in love with one, Eve mused, remembering the precious times when Philip was on leave and turned up
unexpectedly. He always made a bee-line for her and they would spend the evening together, dancing every dance. Even after more than sixty years, she could feel the strength of Philip’s arms around her and hear his infectious laugh. Together, they hadn’t a care in the world. No war waged in the skies above them or on the land across the Channel. It was just them. In their own protected bubble…

  ‘Did you have a special young man, Grandmother?’

  ‘I…I really liked one of them, yes. He wasn’t a convalescent, but lived…nearby and came home on leave. We loved dancing together.’

  ‘Could it have been that young airman you mentioned, Philip Andrews?’

  Eve took a deep breath. This girl’s smart! But I’m not yet ready to tell her everything. She smiled at Nicole before replying, ‘Yes, it was. How did you guess?’

  ‘The way you spoke about him last time we chatted. You had a dreamy look. Remember, I’m a professional interviewer, trained to weed out secrets!’ She laughed.

  ‘Well, you’re good, my dear. Are you returning to your work when you’ve sorted things out with that husband of yours?’

  Nicole appeared thoughtful.

  ‘I don’t know. I can’t see myself going back to work in Bristol, even though my job’s being kept open for me. I could always look at other TV stations. With my background it shouldn’t be too difficult to get a job. But I’ve still got three months to think about it.’

  ‘I don’t wish to sound impertinent, Nicole, but how are you managing without an income?’

  ‘Oh, I’ve got savings and I inherited money from my grandmother. My expenses are few these days.’ She looked stricken. ‘Which reminds me, I should be paying for my keep while I’m here – ’

  ‘Nonsense, child! You’re family, we wouldn’t dream of taking your money. We can manage. We may not have much but it’s enough for one extra mouth. Unless you are planning to stay for good?’ Eve’s eyes sparkled with mischief.

  Nicole laughed. ‘No, I’m not, don’t worry. Not that I’m unhappy – ’

  ‘Only teasing. As I’m sure you’re aware.’

  ***

  The sound of the doorbell echoed down the hall and Nicole got up to answer it.

  Surprised to find Ben standing on the step, she took a moment to find her voice.

  ‘Ben! Umm, was Grandmother expecting you? She never said.’ Nicole’s heart pitter- pattered as she faced him.

  Ben also appeared taken aback. Although Nicole couldn’t help noticing how he seemed to be admiring her hot-weather outfit of shorts and T-shirt.

  ‘No, I’ve been to see another patient nearby and decided to pop in on Mrs Ferbrache. If it’s not convenient – ’

  ‘It’s fine. Grandmother and I have finished lunch and Hélène’s out. We’re on the terrace. Please come in.’

  ‘Doctor! What a pleasant surprise. A bit early for tea and cake but I’m sure Nicole would be happy to get you some.’

  Eve smiled warmly at them both and Nicole waved away Ben’s protest, only too happy to escape for a few minutes. Her reaction on seeing him had unsettled her.

  ‘I dropped in as I was already nearby. How are you?’

  ‘Not too bad, Doctor. I still feel tired a lot, but having young Nicole around is giving me a new lease of life.’

  ‘Good. A new face is often a tonic. Is she staying long?’

  Eve had caught Nicole’s flushed face when she’d brought Ben outside and now studied him keenly. Hmm, he’s good- looking and has a nice smile. Wonder if he’d be interested in my granddaughter? A new boyfriend might keep her on the island!

  ‘We don’t know. Nicole’s on a sabbatical from her job, so she can do what she wants. She’s a high-profile television journalist, you know, and told me she’s not sure about returning to the station in Bristol. Her husband,’ Eve sniffed, ‘also works there so it might be awkward for her, poor girl.’

  ‘Why “poor girl”?’

  ‘I shouldn’t really tell you this, but her husband’s a philanderer. Got too much for her. And she’s such a lovely young woman, too. Doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.’ Eve smiled to herself, hoping she’d sown a few seeds.

  Before Ben could comment Nicole arrived bearing a tray. He leaped up to help her, setting it on the table.

  ‘I’ve made a pot for us all and I even managed to find some chocolate cake.’

  They sat with their tea and cake and chatted for a few moments. Eve, relishing the idea of pushing the young people together, spoke glowingly about Ben and how well he’d looked after her. Eve saw him shift uncomfortably on his chair, looking as if something troubled him.

  ‘Your grandmother’s been telling me you’re a television journalist. Which sounds exciting. What kind of things do you investigate?’

  Nicole seemed happy enough to talk about her work although she lacked her usual sparkle, Eve thought. In an odd way, she saw them as the re-incarnation of herself and Philip and wanted them to find happiness together. But for all her wishes, she had to admit that there seemed to be some tension between them. Definitely not at ease with each other.

  ***

  By four o’clock Nicole was wondering where on earth Hélène was. Could it have gone horribly wrong and Hélène had gone off to be alone, licking her wounds? On balance it seemed unlikely, and she carried on weeding the flower beds to keep busy. She missed her own garden in England with its pond, shaded terraces and gazebo. She didn’t garden herself, having someone in to do that. There hadn’t been time to do it herself and Tom, well…The thought of Tom caused her to be extra ferocious towards an innocent flower she mistook for a weed, and dug it out. Fortunately for the other innocents nearby, she heard a car crunching on the gravel and, throwing down the trowel, ran to the front door.

  Hélène looked surprised as the door swung open and Nicole rushed out, calling, ‘Are you all right? How was lunch?’

  ‘It was all right, thanks. After lunch I went for a walk at Jerbourg to give me time to think. I’m sorry I’m so late, I hadn’t realised the time –’

  ‘No problem. So, how did you leave it?’ She couldn’t help noticing that Hélène looked drained.

  ‘Oh, we left it that if I wanted to get in touch I could. Adrian…would like us to be friends but I’m not sure.’

  Nicole felt guilty. She’d railroaded Hélène into this.

  ‘I see. Look, I’m really sorry if it was a bad idea…’

  ‘It’s okay, don’t worry. We had to …clear the air. And he did say how sorry he was, which made it worthwhile.’ Hélène smiled and patted Nicole’s arm.

  As they walked into the house Nicole told her about Ben’s visit and mentioned that Eve was now resting.

  ‘Grandmother seemed a bit brighter this afternoon. Do you think the medication’s helping?’

  Hélène frowned. ‘I don’t know. I’d like to think so but…Did the doctor say anything?’

  Nicole turned away, ostensibly to stack the tea- things in the sink but really to hide the flush creeping up her own cheeks.

  ‘No, he didn’t. Except he’ll call again tomorrow as usual.’ When she’d shown him out Ben had gazed at her intently before saying goodbye. But that had been it. No repetition of the long, drawn out handshake or big smile. She sighed, wondering what on earth was going on.

  chapter 21

  The next morning clouds scudded across the sky, propelled by a strong westerly wind. The temperature had dropped and Nicole felt it was a day for exploring the towers. Hélène hunted out the keys, explaining that ‘the stairs are a bit iffy so do take care.’

  As she entered the right hand tower the cool, musty air enveloped her in darkness. Hastening to find the light switch, she was rewarded by a pale glow from the single bulb lighting the stairs. The wooden steps creaked as she made her way gingerly up to the next floor. A door opened onto a large and empty room. Disappointed, Nicole stepped over to the nearest window and wiped away the grime with the threadbare curtain. She caught
her breath at the view towards Pleinmont, able to make out a patchwork of fields, the gun emplacement she’d recently found and what looked like a tall TV receiver station. Beyond lay a concrete tower and the sea. The clouds hid the horizon, the sea and sky seeming to blend into a grey mass. The next window offered a bird’s-eye view of the west coast and the hinterland dotted with cottages, churches and what looked like pubs or hotels. The last window overlooked the garden and the area beyond. Without the sun the colours of the plants and flowers appeared bleached.

  Nicole crossed the landing to the other tower. Arriving in a room identical to the first, she was pleased to see stacks of boxes, old trunks and the usual ephemera associated with attics. The windows yielded similar views on two sides to the sister tower and the third showed the area towards the airport and St Martins.

  Looking around at the dust-covered objects, Nicole felt a strong desire to start searching through them. But for what? She didn’t know, just wanted to see what emerged from the family’s stored treasures. Photo albums? Children’s toys? Old letters? She sighed, knowing she had no right to pry without their approval.

  Downstairs again, Nicole found Hélène in the kitchen, drinking coffee and flicking through a magazine.

  ‘What do you think of our towers? Any Rapunzels waiting to be rescued?’ Hélène chuckled.

  Laughing, Nicole replied, ‘No, that would be too much to expect. The views aren’t bad, though. Better on a sunny day, I guess. I wondered if there’d be any photo albums up there I could see?’

  ‘I’ve no idea. Haven’t been up there for years. I don’t remember seeing any since I was a child. I’ll ask Mother. You want to see what we looked like in our youth? To see if there’s any resemblance? I might have some photos in my room. I only brought a few of my belongings with me when I moved in. The rest is in the attic of my own house. Not knowing how long…’