Finding Mother Read online

  ‘Yes, it was quite a surprise, Doctor. But a nice one,’ Eve replied, looking at Nicole, who squirmed in her chair, feeling uncomfortable with three pairs of eyes on her.

  Hélène suggested that she and Nicole should leave and Nicole was only too pleased to agree, helping to load up the trolley. While piling up the plates by the sink – no such thing as a dishwasher installed here – she said, as casually as she could, ‘The doctor seems nice. Has he been treating Grandmother long?’

  Hélène, pulling on rubber gloves, replied, ‘Yes, he is. I think all his patients adore him. And he’s been very good with Mother over the past five years, taking over when the old one retired. He was the first doctor to spot that Mother’s heart wasn’t too good.’

  Nicole was drying a tea cup and put it down carefully on the side before saying, ‘I guess being a GP keeps him pretty busy. I don’t suppose his family would see much of him.’

  ‘Actually, I don’t think he’s married. Probably too busy to meet someone,’ she said lightly.

  Nicole murmured a neutral ‘I see,’ while continuing to dry a plate within an inch of its life.

  ***

  Meanwhile, Ben was finishing his examination of Eve. He looked serious as he packed away his stethoscope.

  ‘Your heart is worse than when I last saw you, Mrs Ferbrache. I do wish you’d reconsider having that operation I recommended. It could give you a new lease of life.’

  Eve, buttoning up her cardigan, looked up at him, seeing the genuine concern in his eyes. She sighed. ‘I’m sorry, I know you must think I’m a foolish old woman, and you’re probably right. But I don’t want my body cut open and plastic bits inserted into my heart. You told me that as long as I avoided infections and exerting myself then I could be good for a few more years yet. I’ll take my chance.’

  ‘All right. But what about this granddaughter of yours? Isn’t she a good enough reason to want to be more active? To live longer?’

  That hurt. But Eve smiled to hide what she really felt. ‘Well, she might be, but today is only the second time I’ve met her. She might decide she doesn’t much like us and return to England. I didn’t even know of her existence until two weeks ago.’

  Ben’s eyebrows shot up. ‘What! You mean Hélène never told you she’d had a child?’

  ‘No, she’s good at keeping secrets.’ And she’s not the only one, Eve fidgeted in her chair. Am I going to have to come clean now as well? She sighed inwardly. ‘She only told me after Nicole traced her through the Adoption Agency in Jersey.’

  Ben continued re-packing his bag, looking thoughtful.

  ‘It seems odd that Nicole has only just wanted to find her mother. She must be in her thirties.’

  ‘She’s thirty-five. Apparently she’s recently separated from her husband and decided to try and find her natural mother. Wanted to trace her roots. That’s what she told Hélène.’

  Ben seemed to be absorbing this.

  ‘Well, Doctor, are you going to give me another prescription or aren’t you?’

  He’d unwittingly packed away his prescription pad and hastily recovered it.

  ‘Sorry. Here you are,’ he handed Eve a scribbled prescription. ‘That should help but I’d still like you to think about that operation. At this stage, drugs can only do so much.’ He fixed her with an almost fierce stare.

  Eve thanked him and said she’d think about it.

  ***

  Hélène came out of the kitchen and, seeing Ben accompanied him to the front door.

  ‘How’s my mother, Doctor? And I want the truth, please.’

  ‘She’s very poorly. Even this infection is weakening her heart but she still refuses to have the op. Perhaps you can talk some sense into her.’

  ‘I’ll try, but if she still refuses to consider it, how… long before…?’

  Ben frowned. ‘A year at the most and could be a lot less. I don’t understand why she’s being so stubborn. It’s as if she’s afraid of going into hospital.’

  ‘She is afraid. Her husband – my father ˗ went in for what should have been a routine op and never came out.’ Hélène choked back a tear at the awful memory. She and her mother had arrived at the Princess Elizabeth Hospital a few hours after her father’s operation, bearing his favourite flowers from the garden. On arrival they had been ushered into a small room and told that Reg had suffered a cardiac arrest only moments before. Eve had gone white with shock and Hélène had burst into tears.

  Even though it had happened seven years ago, Hélène was still affected by what had happened. She took a calming breath and was opening the front door when Nicole came into the hall. She was on her way to join them when Ben said goodbye to Hélène, gave Nicole a nod, and left.

  chapter 15

  Nicole felt puzzled by Ben. She had sensed a strong connection between them, the intensity of his gaze and the warmth of his protracted hand shake had said so much. She’d been convinced that he would at least have said goodbye properly. Oh, well, she must have got her wires crossed, she thought, returning to Eve’s sitting room. Seeing her grandmother looking so small and frail put things into proportion and she pushed Ben to the back of her mind.

  Eve looked up from staring at her hands and smiled.

  ‘Can I get you anything, Grandmother?’

  ‘No, thank you. I think I’ll just have a little nap.’ The door opened. ‘Ah, there you are. I was telling Nicole I’d like a rest. Have you got time to get my prescription before they close?’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ Hélène picked up the prescription and asked Nicole if she’d be happy to stay in the house while she popped out, adding, ‘Please feel free to explore the house and don’t get lost!’ she laughed.

  Nicole was only too happy to agree and started her tour downstairs. She found room after room bearing the look of neglect and lack of use, the furniture covered in dust sheets.

  One room appeared to have been a library with walls covered in what looked like custom-made book shelves, now staring blankly at her. How sad, she thought, walking round, her fingers leaving trails in the dust. The all-pervading air of mustiness seemed to seep into her skin and she gave an involuntary shake.

  In another passage Nicole discovered what must have once been a very grand drawing room, complete with an impressive crystal chandelier, marble fireplace and French doors set into the bay window. Scattered scruffy modern sofas and chairs tried, and failed, to create a more homely look. A television stood in an alcove facing a couple of well-used, saggy armchairs. Books and magazines littered coffee tables.

  Near the kitchen she found an elegant dining room replete with a ten-seat dining table covered in dust and tarnished silverware. Nicole sighed. All these rooms and only two women living here! And after Eve had been widowed she would have been alone until Hélène had moved in. As she gazed around Nicole could see that the house had a kind of beauty but she didn’t sense that there had been laughter and joy in it for a very long time. It’s as if the house is in a coma, just waiting to be brought back to life. It needs people – children. A thought struck her – it must cost the earth to heat! Frowning, she wondered how Eve and Hélène were managing financially. No wonder Hélène looks so worried…

  The sound of the front door opening and closing took Nicole back to the front hall.

  ‘This place is so big for the two of you. I now see what you mean about the cleaning! And I guess the utility bills must be ginormous.’

  Hélène rolled her eyes. ‘They certainly are. I’ve tried to persuade Mother to move into a care home but she’ll have none of it. Wants to die here, she said.’ She looked sad for a moment, as if trying not to think about the inevitable. ‘We can only manage the bills thanks to my salary and the rent from my house. If – when – Mother is no longer with us, I’ll return to my own home.’

  ‘Do you miss your house?’

  ‘Yes, I do. It’s a lot easier to look after for a start. And the small garden is a great sun-trap. A
nd being in Town there’s less need to drive, another bonus.’ Hélène sighed then, gazing at Nicole she continued, ‘It’s what us women do, though. Look after our mothers when they’re old. Will you look after yours, if she becomes unable to cope?’

  Nicole hesitated. ‘To be honest, I haven’t thought about it. With Mum and Dad looking so fit and well in Spain… I guess I’ll have to see how things go. But I have two mothers to consider, haven’t I?’ she grinned.

  Hélène waved her hand dismissively.

  ‘Oh, you don’t have to consider me! You owe me nothing, Nicole. If I ever become incapable of caring for myself I’ll be checking into a care home – or the Castel Mental Hospital if more appropriate!’

  Becoming brisk, Hélène said that she needed to start preparing dinner and accepted Nicole’s offer of help.

  When the dinner was ready Hélène went to fetch Eve, wheeling her back into the kitchen.

  Nicole thought that Eve looked a little better after her nap but, although she joined in the conversation, she ate little.

  The talk was general; it was if they had all mutually agreed to stay away from “personal” topics. For this Nicole was glad. It had been quite a full-on day as the new girl in this little family and she needed to regain her sense of self. After finishing her meal she asked, ‘What do people do in the evenings around here? I’d like to go out for an hour or two.’

  ‘Well, the cinema’s not far, at The Mallard complex on the way to the airport. The Guernsey Press will tell us what’s on,’ Hélène got up and fetched the newspaper from a pile on a stool.

  Nicole flicked through and saw that one of the options was a rom-com with good reviews.

  ‘I think I’ll go and see “Waitress”, it doesn’t start for forty five minutes so I’ve got time to help you with the dishes before I go – ’

  ‘No, that’s all right. You get off. I’ll give you a key so that you can come and go as you wish.’

  After a quick freshen up, Nicole collected a key and said her goodnights before driving to The Mallard. She would have preferred company but had no real choice considering she had no friends in Guernsey. Yet. And she felt in need of some fun after such an intense day.

  The film proved to be only a qualified success. Nicole had laughed but the storyline brought up a few personal issues with similarities to her own story. An unhappy marriage – unwanted pregnancy – thoughts of adoption – gorgeous doctor lover.

  It felt like an epiphany for Nicole. The thought of Hélène, in love with a married man, getting pregnant and giving up that baby, just as the girl in the film had once thought of doing, made her determined that she would get it right. Love a man who was free to love her and happy to have babies with her. And remain faithful. Not too much to ask then! Her other decision concerned Adrian. Much as she had doubts about him, she realised she needed to try to meet him or she’d always have a nagging regret. She’d ask Hélène tomorrow.

  The next morning Hélène and Nicole had breakfast together while Eve had hers in bed. Hélène was worried and it showed. She could feel her forehead crease as she considered what Nicole had asked of her. I know it’s perfectly natural that she should want to meet her father but that means I’ll have to contact him and I vowed never to do that…her thoughts skittered about as she sought to find a way around the problem. I suppose I could give Nicole his address and let her write to him. For a moment this seemed the ideal solution until she realised that this was the coward’s way out and that poor Nicole would be left waiting to see if Adrian replied and wanted to see her. Her heart sank as she accepted that it had to come from her. She had to prepare Adrian that his – their – daughter was in Guernsey and staying with her at La Folie…

  Nicole broke into her thoughts.

  ‘Look, I do realise that this can’t be easy for you. If you really are dead against our meeting – ’

  ‘No, no!’ Hélène shook her head and reached out for Nicole. ‘It’s not for me to stop you contacting Adrian, he’s your father after all. You have a right to meet him if…if you both want to. He knows you were adopted in Jersey so he must know that your turning up was always a possibility.’ She took a deep breath and faced Nicole squarely. ‘I’ll tell him about you and that you’re here. Then it’s up to him. I just don’t want you getting hurt.’ She clenched her hands together as she thought about what she would do to him if Adrian refused to see Nicole. He’d been a coward all those years ago, had he changed?

  ‘Thanks. I know it’s a risk and I may end up disliking or hating him whatever happens. But I need to try, for my own peace of mind.’ Nicole sighed.

  Hélène felt her heart tug at the sight of her daughter. Her maternal feelings were slowly re-establishing themselves and she felt lucky to have this second chance at motherhood.

  Nicole said she wanted to go out for a walk and enjoy the sunshine and Hélène felt relieved. If talking to Adrian was going to be upsetting, she didn’t want Nicole around.

  After checking that Eve was all right, Hélène went off to her room to make the phone call that, until a few weeks ago, she had never expected to make.

  chapter 16

  ‘Adrian Bourgaize speaking.’

  ‘It’s me, Hélène.’

  For a moment Adrian thought he must have misheard. Hélène? After all these years? Surely not! She’d been adamant she never wanted to speak to him again. And she hadn’t – until now.

  ‘Adrian? Are you there?’

  ‘Yes, yes I am. I was just surprised to hear your voice after…How are you?’ He pulled himself together.

  ‘Fine, thanks. I’m living with Mother now. She’s very frail and I felt I had to…’

  ‘Of course. I’m sorry. It must be difficult for you. I read about your father, perhaps I should have written –’

  ‘No, I didn’t expect you to. And…and I’m sorry about Carol. Must have been hard for you.’ He heard the tightness in her voice.

  ‘Yes, it was. But the…children and our friends rallied round. And being Head kept me pretty well occupied.’ He had to take a deep breath. ‘You know I’ve just retired?’

  ‘I’d heard. I’m still working as I have to support us both, with Mother having no real income. I’ll have to carry on until she…’

  Adrian heard the bitterness in her voice and his feelings of guilt rushed up from the deep place he’d buried them for so long.

  ‘Oh, Hélène, I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do to help?’

  ‘There is, actually. Our daughter is here and wants to meet you.’ The words were spat out.

  ‘Our daughter! Oh my God!’ Adrian gripped the phone tighter to stop it sliding out of his hand. ‘How…how long have you known her?’

  ‘She only contacted me a few weeks ago. It was a bit of a shock as you can imagine. But I’d always hoped that she’d try. ’

  ‘I can understand that. I didn’t even know you’d had a girl.’ He had another daughter! He did a quick calculation – she must be thirty-five – could be a mother, like Karen.

  ‘What’s her name? Is she married?’

  ‘Nicole, and she recently separated from her husband. Apparently that’s why she set out to find me. To…to understand herself better.’

  ‘I see. And she wants to meet me too.’ He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Nicole had every right to feel badly about him but surely she wouldn’t want to meet him just to say that? Was this a chance to redeem himself in her eyes? And even Hélène’s? He thought quickly.

  ‘I would like to meet her. How long’s she staying with you?’

  ‘I don’t know. But I’m sure she’d prefer to meet sooner rather than later.’

  ‘Yes, of course. Could you please ring me with a time that suits Nicole? I have few commitments these days.’ Adrian visualised his near-empty calendar and sighed.

  ‘Will do. Bye Adrian.’ The phone went dead.

  Adrian wondered if the proverbial can of worms was now about to b
e opened. And if he would survive.

  ***

  Nicole was glad to be out of the house with the chance to stretch her legs. The coastal path zig-zagged around the imposing cliffs and she had to watch her step. Striking out westwards again, she enjoyed the sensation as her skin met the gentle, crisp warm breeze. Heather and gorse provided a colourful contrast to the grass and she found herself relaxing. So much had happened in the past twenty-four hours that she felt emotionally drained. And confused. It felt as if she’d stepped into someone else’s skin and was living their life, not hers. Like that girl in the film, she thought, she was only acting, but it seemed real. Her own life appeared to have vanished into another dimension since she’d started this journey to find her mother – and herself. Nicole decided to call it PM, Post Mother and AM, Ante Mother as she sucked on a blade of grass. Giggling, she felt better than she had since her arrival.

  Okay, girl, you started this and you’ve got to see it through. You’ve torpedoed other people’s lives now. Got to give them a chance to recover. Particularly Hélène. The thought brought her up sharp. She was beginning to feel fond of her “mother”, feeling she’d been badly treated by life. Nicole couldn’t begin to imagine what it must have been like to give up both the man you loved and a new-born baby. Perhaps I can make it up to her? The thought that Hélène was, on Nicole’s behalf, having to speak to the man she’d loved so many years ago prompted her to check her watch and decide that she’d better go back. She wasn’t sure who would need consoling the most – herself or Hélène.

  ***

  Hélène was in the kitchen, chopping up vegetables as if her life depended on it.

  ‘Hi. Did you get through to…Adrian?’

  Hélène looked up and forced a smile.

  ‘Yes, I did. And he’s agreed to meet you. He’s suggested I phone him with a suitable time. When would you like to go? He’s free anytime.’